Value

Have you ever felt like you had only one thing to do and you messed it all up and now you are afraid that you'll never redeem it. And you keep pushing it away because you are scared because if you try again you will fail at it again.

Wow I have so amny regrets.

Looking back at what I could have done right, I am surprised at myself.

How did I mess up so bad?

I have friends who did great, and I have friends who messed up but picked themselves right up and walked again, I have friends who despite of falling made it up on time, I also have friends who haven't given up and are sure to have the greatest comeback. And then there is me... who is scared to even try.

Am I too comfortable in my own little box of a room with closed windows and doors, just spending away the most precious time, deteriorating my own health in the process? Am I just satisfied of what I already have? Is that the problem? I feel like I should be writing this in my personal diary, aaaaaaaaaaa.

When will I stop regretting? Did I put all my eggs in one basket and then dropped it off a cliff? Will I be able to get my eggs back, can I even earn new eggs. These weren't even my own eggs, I broke all my parents eggs in the process while nothing to give in return than asking for more eggs. Why do they keep giving me eggs even when I am this careless with their eggs.

I don't have a target, nor do I have a goal. Where am I going toward? Is it that I have too much free time?

Along with that I am worried about the state of everything around me. Sometimes also about the world.

I am stuck in this cycle of worry, fear, regret and While i don't do substance abuse. I have been doing content abuse. I cannot remember the thing I just tried to study, but I remember the worst of something that happened to me ages ago.

Have I found comfort in the passive feeling of achievement looking at other people and seeing them succeed in what they are doing? What am I even doing? I get overly sensitive and cry if I see something in the movies, but canno't for the love of science shed a tear if it happens in real life to people around me. Only that the chills keep building up inside me and I need a movie to release it off.

I feel like I am spiraling downhill, losing touch with my peers as they embark on their new journey. I hope that they do great, but what value will I be able to provide to people around me. To be relevant. To be heard, because who would listen to what a failure has to say? I am scared to even be around people, let alone to have a say.

I want my life back. I want back my confidence. I want back my happiness!