Shame and Insecurity
I am a very ambitious person. Ambitions apparently don't fulfill themselves. Which I am realizing the hard way. I used to be someone who people called "naturally talented" I didn't study much, I passed all subjects, got good marks and everything was fine and easy. I thought If I had to fulfill something I'd fulfill it somehow in the end like I always used to.
After completing high school with an average score, I decided on studying Computer Engineering for my bachelor's degree. I thought I'd love it, after all it's going to be all computers right? I was so naive.
While I loved playing with tech and dreaming about the future of computers and technology, the First Semester of Computer Engineering hit me hard. I passed just 2 out of 6 total subjects. And those were Computer Programming and Engineering Drawing I. I failed Engineering Physics, Engineering Mathematics I, Basic Electrical Engineering and Applied Mechanics.
While I failed them, I kept consolidating myself that, "If I had studied, I'd have passed, I didn't study, so, I failed." The next 6 semesters went the same way, I'd pass a few subjects and fail a lot. I kept consolidating myself that when I start studying I'll finally pass everything. Everything will be all right in the end. I never started studying. this is the worst possible mentality one can have, and the sole reason why I have so many backs to clear today after 4 years of joining engineering
While I had an image of myself as a good student from my past, I failed to realize that I was the worst student of my class. I was at the very end of every result. I am not even in the results. In the last year, everything started to overload me, I have no time, I made routines, I made plans, I thought I'd do this and that and pass all the subjects that I have failed. But, when the exams started I'd get paralyzed from studying, I feared of not having time, I feared failing, and in order to distract myself I'd binge watch YouTube and movies. In the Seventh Semester, I failed all the back exams I had applied for and even managed to fail on one of the regular subjects.
Making plans and having the mental visualization of what'd be when I finish executing that plan is very mesmerizing in the head. By feeling that I've already done it without even doing anything, I kept procrastinating and making hypothetical and awesome plans instead of actually doing something. It has brought me to this pathetic state in life.
I don't know what it is, but my brain has adapted to do anything but study when it's time to study. I cannot even comprehend basic mathematics, I give up immediately. This isn't good, I have so many math heavy subjects to pass. Yet, a simple mathematical question exhausts me immediately.
Then there's AI, while I loved to dabble in shell scripts and programs here and there, AI took all my scripting confidence from me. Suddenly I was bad at everything even at what I thought I was good at. I started exclusively using AI to code and I feel like I am too dependent on it. It's similar to how I feel about math. I give up evey easily.
This is bad, this is very bad!
It's now the end of the last semester, I had big ideas, big plans, but, everyone except me will almost certainly leave the town. While they came to study here, I am a native and I lived with my parents in comfort while they cooked their own food and washed their clothes themselves and managed everything along with studying and passing the exams. I on the other hand have failed miserably while the only thing I had to do was study.
The shame that never touched me for 4 whole years is now creeping in. I am almost constantly in the situation of "what could have been if ...". Now, I'm Insecure about my academic status as well as the skill I have accumulated. Neither do I have a good academic degree nor can I craft something entirely with my own hands and brain that might show my skills. I dabbled in robotics, and terminal and linux and software engineering, I tried to learn the best possible language there is by skipping all the fundamentals yes, looking at you rust hypetrain
I wish I could end this text with a positive ending but the ending isn't happy or positive. I'm now about to be almost alone, trying to complete what I didn't in four years. It's all the difficult subjects because, well I passed the easy ones. I don't know how I'm going to do it or how long it takes or how humiliating it'll be to still live on my parents money, but I need to turn this around.
Ambitions don't fulfill themselves! Especially not the ones I have.